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:iconxxxxbrokenxangelxxxx: More from xxXxBrokenxAngelxXxx


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Literature by DragonsChest

Poetry and Stories by Bakugan5Ds


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Submitted on
December 21, 2013
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The curls and the lipstick,
The fancy shoes and clothes.
They hide all the feelings,
Anything she doesn’t want to show.

She cries in her bedroom,
then puts on her fake smile.
She covers all her sadness,
Behind society’s style.

She bottles up what she’s feeling,
and just wishes she could be,
anything and everything
the people around her expect her to be.

not free to use. I know its not the greatest..but hey, i tried?
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:iconprettyflour:
prettyflour Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist

Hey there,

 

:iconprettyflour: here on behalf of :iconpoeticalcondition: with the critique you requested.

 

I think you did a pretty good job with this. Your message is clear, and the subject relatable.

Although the poem is short, the length works well.

 

If I have any criticism, it would be the double use of ‘be’ in the second stanza.  I find myself wishing you had used something else- stretched your creativity. The stanza starts out strong- I especially enjoyed the rhyming oft smile and style, but it fell a little flat at the end.  A small revision could really strengthen this piece.

 

I hope this is helpful. Thank so much and have a great day!

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:iconxxxxbrokenxangelxxxx:
xxXxBrokenxAngelxXxx Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2014  Student Writer
Thank you very much for the Critique, it means a lot. Also thank you for the feedback, I will see what I can do with the helpful information you have given me. Thanks a lot! :)
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:iconblackravenkuria:
BlackRavenKuria Featured By Owner Jan 30, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
This is so true. Many people feel this way.
Very well expressed.
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:iconsammywammy123:
sammywammy123 Featured By Owner Dec 22, 2013  Student General Artist
I like the concept and the "society's style" but it is missing depth and the rhyming is a lil off. I like it tho :)
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:iconniome-chan:
Niome-Chan Featured By Owner Dec 22, 2013  Student General Artist
Its unfortunate really, but its the sad truth.

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:iconpokemonsonic345:
pokemonsonic345 Featured By Owner Dec 21, 2013  Student General Artist
Amen.
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:iconbobmango4:
BobMango4 Featured By Owner Dec 21, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
:clap:
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:iconxxxxbrokenxangelxxxx:
xxXxBrokenxAngelxXxx Featured By Owner Dec 21, 2013  Student Writer
Thank you
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:iconbobmango4:
BobMango4 Featured By Owner Dec 21, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
your very welcome
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:iconccfirebloom:
ccfirebloom Featured By Owner Dec 21, 2013  Student General Artist
Society doesn't really look good on anyone.
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